the field trip

another self-glorifying piece of trash that you can't resist to read. tempt you enough?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

why did i move to southern kalifornia?

over the past few days i've really been pondering whether or not i want to stay here. i mean, it took a lot of guts and balls to come out here to work for nothing and just hope that my hardwork was acknowledged, but lately i've been really considering that my time here might be done.
i don't like the thought of leaving; i want to stay and make movies and be around flim; it's all i've ever wanted to do. there are pro's to staying and con's to staying, as well as pro's to leaving and con's to leaving.

i would make a list but its all frivolous nonsense that you wouldnt care about anyway. Let's just say i have no car, i have no money, i am loveless, people dont like me really here bc apparently i get way to angry way too fast or something...whatever. im really just sick of being judged by a lot of people that dont' know me.

what it boils down to is grit. do i have grit? i always thought when hunter said that he was "chock full of that-man!" he was just being drugged out, but in all honesty, to venture to this place and do something that takes a lot of thick skin to survive, you really do have to have true grit.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

failure

i failed. not my fault though. that job i interviewe for a few weeks ago? yea i pretty much got it, come to find out two weeks later. however, today and yesterday New Line decided to off some heads in the company and fittingly enough it was my future Executive Producer that was off'ed.

lucky me.

now i have no job; my internship is done; i am 10 grand in debt due to this whole LA experience; i have no car; i have no leads; i am jacks unemployed jackass.

shoot me in the temple to get it over quickly.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

pulling my hair out in flux

i have never been more on edge or anxious in my entire life than right now.

i came to this moment of clarity today in the shower when i pulled out a small patch of hair. leading up to my hair falling out i have begun to break out worse than ever in my life, my skin has become so dry it constantly is bothering me, i can't breath right, i have a horrible smoker's cough despite the fact that i don't smoke, and never have i ever let anything in my life allow my body to reflect the events that affect me on a daily basis.

holding out, waiting, patiently submitting to the line of an answer on whether or not Ryan will be staying in 90035 past january is all i think about.

my attention can't go further than reading emails and comic books, i can't begin to think about reading a book much less a script at the moment. my money is running out fast, i have debt like no other and at this point there is no relief in site.

im not trying to complain, im just trying to figure out why at this stage of my life i am finally allowing this type of stress to get to me? typically i don't. you say "sure you have never had stress like this before so it's normal to feel this way" well sorry guys but i have had WAY worse types of stress in my young life already, of which i will not divulge but lets just have faith and trust your pal ryan when he says he has conquered way worse than not having a job.

it's like everday could be the best or worst day of my life, it's the waiting, the anticipation, the nagging feeling in my stomach when i wake up that says "you could be fucked today" and never finding out only to repeat that each day every day.

i am paranoid, i have seen many people come and go wondering if they are the one's who have beaten me, who are better than me and who are more capable than me.

on top of all of this security and financial trouble, i now have wonderful social problems to deal with as well. while i sit here and bitch about all my crap i can only think about those in my life who have it worse, not worse but have bigger pains to deal with and conquer and i am thinking about them to so dont forget that *you know who you are* but women are a pain in the ass. bottom line period end of story.

so maybe tomorrow will be the day i leave my life dreams forever, thankfully i have this one day still to soak it in...


also, my computer is being a bitch so i only get on at work for those of you wondering where i am, its being fixed soon i hope.