pulling my hair out in flux
i have never been more on edge or anxious in my entire life than right now.
i came to this moment of clarity today in the shower when i pulled out a small patch of hair. leading up to my hair falling out i have begun to break out worse than ever in my life, my skin has become so dry it constantly is bothering me, i can't breath right, i have a horrible smoker's cough despite the fact that i don't smoke, and never have i ever let anything in my life allow my body to reflect the events that affect me on a daily basis.
holding out, waiting, patiently submitting to the line of an answer on whether or not Ryan will be staying in 90035 past january is all i think about.
my attention can't go further than reading emails and comic books, i can't begin to think about reading a book much less a script at the moment. my money is running out fast, i have debt like no other and at this point there is no relief in site.
im not trying to complain, im just trying to figure out why at this stage of my life i am finally allowing this type of stress to get to me? typically i don't. you say "sure you have never had stress like this before so it's normal to feel this way" well sorry guys but i have had WAY worse types of stress in my young life already, of which i will not divulge but lets just have faith and trust your pal ryan when he says he has conquered way worse than not having a job.
it's like everday could be the best or worst day of my life, it's the waiting, the anticipation, the nagging feeling in my stomach when i wake up that says "you could be fucked today" and never finding out only to repeat that each day every day.
i am paranoid, i have seen many people come and go wondering if they are the one's who have beaten me, who are better than me and who are more capable than me.
on top of all of this security and financial trouble, i now have wonderful social problems to deal with as well. while i sit here and bitch about all my crap i can only think about those in my life who have it worse, not worse but have bigger pains to deal with and conquer and i am thinking about them to so dont forget that *you know who you are* but women are a pain in the ass. bottom line period end of story.
so maybe tomorrow will be the day i leave my life dreams forever, thankfully i have this one day still to soak it in...
also, my computer is being a bitch so i only get on at work for those of you wondering where i am, its being fixed soon i hope.