the field trip

another self-glorifying piece of trash that you can't resist to read. tempt you enough?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

why did i move to southern kalifornia?

over the past few days i've really been pondering whether or not i want to stay here. i mean, it took a lot of guts and balls to come out here to work for nothing and just hope that my hardwork was acknowledged, but lately i've been really considering that my time here might be done.
i don't like the thought of leaving; i want to stay and make movies and be around flim; it's all i've ever wanted to do. there are pro's to staying and con's to staying, as well as pro's to leaving and con's to leaving.

i would make a list but its all frivolous nonsense that you wouldnt care about anyway. Let's just say i have no car, i have no money, i am loveless, people dont like me really here bc apparently i get way to angry way too fast or something...whatever. im really just sick of being judged by a lot of people that dont' know me.

what it boils down to is grit. do i have grit? i always thought when hunter said that he was "chock full of that-man!" he was just being drugged out, but in all honesty, to venture to this place and do something that takes a lot of thick skin to survive, you really do have to have true grit.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

failure

i failed. not my fault though. that job i interviewe for a few weeks ago? yea i pretty much got it, come to find out two weeks later. however, today and yesterday New Line decided to off some heads in the company and fittingly enough it was my future Executive Producer that was off'ed.

lucky me.

now i have no job; my internship is done; i am 10 grand in debt due to this whole LA experience; i have no car; i have no leads; i am jacks unemployed jackass.

shoot me in the temple to get it over quickly.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

pulling my hair out in flux

i have never been more on edge or anxious in my entire life than right now.

i came to this moment of clarity today in the shower when i pulled out a small patch of hair. leading up to my hair falling out i have begun to break out worse than ever in my life, my skin has become so dry it constantly is bothering me, i can't breath right, i have a horrible smoker's cough despite the fact that i don't smoke, and never have i ever let anything in my life allow my body to reflect the events that affect me on a daily basis.

holding out, waiting, patiently submitting to the line of an answer on whether or not Ryan will be staying in 90035 past january is all i think about.

my attention can't go further than reading emails and comic books, i can't begin to think about reading a book much less a script at the moment. my money is running out fast, i have debt like no other and at this point there is no relief in site.

im not trying to complain, im just trying to figure out why at this stage of my life i am finally allowing this type of stress to get to me? typically i don't. you say "sure you have never had stress like this before so it's normal to feel this way" well sorry guys but i have had WAY worse types of stress in my young life already, of which i will not divulge but lets just have faith and trust your pal ryan when he says he has conquered way worse than not having a job.

it's like everday could be the best or worst day of my life, it's the waiting, the anticipation, the nagging feeling in my stomach when i wake up that says "you could be fucked today" and never finding out only to repeat that each day every day.

i am paranoid, i have seen many people come and go wondering if they are the one's who have beaten me, who are better than me and who are more capable than me.

on top of all of this security and financial trouble, i now have wonderful social problems to deal with as well. while i sit here and bitch about all my crap i can only think about those in my life who have it worse, not worse but have bigger pains to deal with and conquer and i am thinking about them to so dont forget that *you know who you are* but women are a pain in the ass. bottom line period end of story.

so maybe tomorrow will be the day i leave my life dreams forever, thankfully i have this one day still to soak it in...


also, my computer is being a bitch so i only get on at work for those of you wondering where i am, its being fixed soon i hope.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

bring the thunder bitch

another productive day at the office. i had an interview today with an executive producer about his assistant job, which will be opening up fairly soon. there were four or so others who also interviewed. i don't really know what to think. our session went well far as i could tell, but i found out that he is having us all read the same script and give him ideas on it. made me feel..i dont know...apart of a herd or something. i dont like shit like that; selling myself always makes me feel uncomfortable, i would much rather have my performance show my ability rather than have to convince someone verbally of it. anyway, about 7 or so people who knew i was interviewing asked me post-meeting how it went. so here's my response and here's what i was really thinking.

when asked: So how'd it go?

my response: It went well. We talked about his projects and what i liked/disliked and he asked me to read a script and give him some ideas.

my real thoughts: Fuck if i know? How do i know? All i can say is that ofcourse it went well for me! i smiled like an idiot and praised his accomplishments! So on and so forth... that's all i can really tell you, i dont know how the hell it went because im not the one making the fucking decision now am i? I mean, is anyone really going to answer with "I BOMBED"? Go away, you bother me.

so that was my morning. my afternoon was filled with more bullshit copying and crappy work. oh what fun!!

On a brighter side, we had our "Just Friends" employee screening tonight. While I knokw most of you don't know what the hell that movie is or who is in it, much less when it is coming out, but I must tell you now, without any agenda, that it was one fucking funny good time of a movie.

Elements of this film were great; the dialogue was hilarious, the characters were colorful, the scenes were zany and physically funny but not over the top unbelieveable that you didn't laugh, the concept was good because we all have had that friend we just wanted to bang and never could get out of the "friend zone" as it is described so eloquently in the film, and last but not least Amy Smart and Ana Farris were hot as shit, PLUS NOT TO MENTION Ryan Reynolds and the actor who plays his brother put on an amazing on screen duo performance rivaling that of Bridges/Goodman in Lewbowski.

All in all, i give it a rousing score and suggest you check this one out with your family and friends over the thanksgiving holiday, i promise you it will be enjoyable.

Now, this is for all of you who read this that i don't know. I would like to start getting some comments going, i know that it is hard to talk about things when i don't really provide rousing topics of interest. That being said you are obviously here for a reason, and that reason is to read my dribble, however, when i do give you something interesting nobody talks either, so i don't know what to say. Should i say i hate jews? or blacks? would that get the feathers ruffled enough for some spicy talk?

Well sorry but i don't hate either ethnic categories so find something else to get pissed about. How dare you suggest such a thing, really.

I'm tired and this entry sucked. Until tomorrow, which apparently is saturday.





if you get that last joke i like you a whole lot.

Monday, November 14, 2005

better to be 20 minutes early than a minute late

im still sick. i woke up friday morning and felt sick, i got drunk saturday and didnt feel sick but i woke up sunday and puked my guts out and after i got over the hangover i felt sick, thus i wake up today and i still feel sick. typically my sicness cycle lasts about 4 to 5 good days, which would put tomorrow as day 5 and the final sick day, and the least sicky of the bunch. let's cross those fingers that's how it plays out.

nathan drove me to work today and as we pulled up to my building we passed a location shoot outside of this store called Kitson. it was entourage shooting their third season. we were proud we noticed adrien grenier (vinny chase) talking on his celly near the food and beverage table. that was my celebrity spotting of the day.

i am finally ready to make a solid resolution to attempt to update every weekday. it is the least i can do for my avid readers in Canada and the Middle East. while everyday may not be as thrilling as the next, it will provide great filler between tyler durden's updates and gorillamask links. i aim to please, that's what SHE said!

mark ordesky is moving his office from the 2nd floor to the 5th floor and today he cleaned out his cabinets and unloaded tons of Lord of the Rings shit that we all happily pillaged. If you don't know who Mark Ordesky is don't worry im not mad at you but you should. He was the genius who REALLY brought Lord of the Rings to life, did the hiring, and produced the whole thing, all three movies and single handedly saved New Line Cinema from going completely down faster than a U-Boat after Hitler's suicide. so i brought home tons of LOTR's toys and such today, it made me feel a little better.

on my walk home i noticed some kids holding book fair bags. does anyone remember the book fair from elementary school? god i loved those days. I remember all the anticipation to buy books. Would they have the new Where's Waldo? What about the new Magic School Bus? And who could forget Sideways Stories from Wayside school? Those were my classics. I remember that we had it like 3 times a year and they always seemed random but now i realized they aligned the book fair with major childrens holidays. The first was halloween, the second was ofcourse christmas, and the third was valentine's day. They used to have theme's and different types of books for each of these seasons, with each having their respective mascots adorning the cover of the advertisement a week in advance. It was like we felt grown up and were able to read cool interesting books like big people did and instead of us having to go out to get them they just brought them to us. It was "in school shopping" and i loved every second of it.

i know that there was no real order to this post, more of just random thoughts, but hey back off me atleast im updating with more than a bunch of links.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

did you know my sweet?


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another weekend in the books from Los Angeles. i would like to sit here and write tonight and tell you that i participated in something more than just drinking and eating, however that would be flat out lie. i drank. i ate. i drank, ate, and watched a lot of football. it's not a complicated life we lead here...most times.

somewhere during the drinking, eating, and manly watching of football i had this weird memory strike me. not so much a memory but just something that has confused and puzzled me since it happened. it happened over the summer. it really made me question the genuine nature of people and the deceptive qualities that you can never really predict in people you meet. maybe i was just hurt because i was so suddenly turned around, or maybe it is just because i still don't know what exaclty went wrong.

anyway, so i can stop confusing those who actually read this, here's the tale. i worked at my uncle's restaraunt all summer, i managed there. i had very few days off. our busiest day of the week was typically sunday because of our amazing brunch, these sundays i usually always worked, most times a double, because we were shorthanded and that's just the type of guy that i am. anyway, on one of these particular sundays i happened to be off, by some stroke of luck due to my absent minded cousin and his lack ok of a ride from the airport two days prior, i managed to get the morning off and only work the night shift managing.

anyway, Daniel and myself, accompanied by two of his gromet friends, decided that since we always work the brunch and never get to actually enjoy it, thought it would be both dastardly and evil to go and have brunch where we normally work on that sunday. so we did. we ate and joked with those who worked while we gorged. if you work or ever have worked in the food service industry you know that it is a big no-no to A) go in and eat where you work during a busy time and B) do that same thing during a normal period you are suppose to be working, so let me just say we were being given the eye by the whole staff, but fuck em' it was our morning off.

well here's where it gets tricky. many gorgeous and attractive girls came in and out of our small restaraunt on a daily basis over the summer. some on their own, some with boyfriends, with families, bored to tears stuck with brother and dad fishing and mom tanning and getting sloppy on margaritas. there were plenty of these girls, and on this morning one gorgeous and beautiful creature walked right into our doors and struck me like an anvil. now normally i don't get all worked up but boy was she impressive.

she came in (with family in tow) and sat in our main dining room, while me and the boys were at the bar. i could not stop looking in the dining room at her. she had this electric smile that was wide and cheshire. stunning. it was the last day of the masters, i think, and we had it on all the tv's at the bar. this caused her father and brother to get up and stand up behind me and my entourage to watch some holes. fine by me, dad looked nice, brother looked nice, no biggie, and then she walks up right behind me and begins to talk to daddy and brother.

i eavesdropped, naturally, come on i was struck blind by this broad, i had to know as much as i could about her.

anyway, they went back to eating and as i finished i could not stop wondering about her. i was really torn as to what to do. many girls came and went, and many of them i saw for an hour and they left just as fast as they came in and spent all of about that hour in my life with me at their service, but this one, this one apparently had some invisible lasso and had caught me up like no other had.

do i go and talk to her while her family is there? sheesh it was a difficult call, i mean if i didnt atleast let this girl know who i was and try i would never forgive myself for it. i was feeling quite ballsy, quite confident to say the least. and while most of you want me to have gone up to their table and said something romantic and charming and witty while casually brushing off that i had done anything at all but i didn't. i wrote her a note, i wrote her a note telling her beautiful she was and how out of all the brief encounters i had at that restaraunt she would be my number one memory. i didn't want to have any regret, i never want to have regret, it's a big thing with me.

so i had my busboy give her the note after i was gone, when she left. i went on with my day, dan and I went surfing, it was good. we had a lovely sunday and i forgot all about the note and just kept a tight grasp onto that smile. i came to work that night and didn't really think much more about it than "well atleast you did it, you can never say you were short on courage."

i worked, did my job, managed things and all that jazz and around 6 or so, right before the dinner rush, i got this call from a number i didn't recognize. i don't answer numbers i don't know so i waited for a message. it was her. she called me. she left me a message. she said i brightened up her day. she said she noticed me too. she said she was from LA. i was moving to LA quite soon. i thought it might've been fate.

i was in shock, and i was the happiest little restaraunt manager that night. a lot of people got free dessert let's just say that. on my next break i called her. she was a doll. she was sweet, and nice and flirty and everything you could ever expect a stunning stranger to be. there was one problem, she was in norfolk now and she was flying back to LA the next morning. bummer.

so the bubble burst. ohwell, i was stuck at work until 11 and she was an hour and a half away, flying in 10 hours to go three hours in the past from me. it wasn't as fateful as i had hoped. then i began to think about it more, if i really believed in no regret, if i really felt that it was worth it, i would drive my ass to norfolk and hang out with this girl for the briefest of time i had left to do so with. so i did. she loved it, she wanted me to come. i went. i drove to norfolk and arrived around 1 a.m. at her hotel, which just happened to be at the end of the street where my dad lived. it was simple, i drive to norfolk, hang with this awesome cool girl who i wanted to get to know more about who intrigued me to no end and who actually wanted me to do this, then when she had to retire i would go home to dad's and wake up and go back to kitty hawk.

and so i did.

we hung out in her lobby and on the docks of the elizabeth river and talked and talked and talked more and it reminded me so much of before sunrise and before sunset it wasn't even funny. we just talked and talked and from what i could gather hit it off better than expected.
i left her that night at 4 a.m. roughly and gave her two things: the only piece of seaglass i found over the summer which was the most beautiful piece i had ever seen and the best piece my aunt said she had ever seen, and a cd that i thought she would like. she liked both. it made me happy to do so. i went home that night feeling 14 again. we didnt' kiss, it never entered my mind. it wasn't like that.

she told me it was her birthday in a few weeks, so i bought her a card and sent it to her. i do things like that, im a big fan of birthdays because i don't really get one, it makes me happy to celebrate others who do get birthdays. that wasn't so bad right? i was just being a nice guy.

over the next two weeks we talked on and off, and it was nice. we talked about me moving to LA and her going back to school in Colorado. i wasn't looking for anything more than just a friend, and i thought she did too, but things somehow turned sour. i talked about visiting her in Colorado, she seemed interested in that at first, but more and more i could tell it might've been freaking her out. so i stopped talking about it, and then we just sort of stopped talking all together.

for some reason, maybe she got the wrong idea from me, she stopped calling back and calling at all. all correspondence was cut off. maybe she freaked. after a while i eventually got out of calling her because she obviously didn't want to talk to me.

In August i moved to LA and thought i would just hit her up to see what she was up to and how Colorado was. she didn't like this. she wanted me to leave her alone and told me i was getting way too serious. ha, little did she know anything serious was the furthest thing from my mind. i just broke up with a girl i had dated for almost two years, another relationship was out of the question hands down. so i stopped trying to contact her at all. no phone calls, no emails, no IM's, no nothing. it's been that way ever since i got here.

so tonight something made me think of her, and im glad it did. she was an amazing person, and i won't forget her. i hope she doesn't hold a grudge, because frankly i dont really think there is anything worthy of one to hold on to. i was nice, simple as that, and i guess it was just misinterpreted.

so if you read this, you know who you are, just know i only had good intentions of being a friend, nothing more or less and thats all.

i guess the moral is don't be vulnerable, dont be dissenting and closed up, but don't let yourself be fooled into a false sense of hope or possibility, don't let anyone pull the shades over your eyes so that you lose sight of what might really be going on. i love, that's what i do, i love everything i do passionately. i love what i love whole heartedly, i guess some people can't take that kind of passion. but that's me, im passionate, so don't take my genuine nature and passionate heart as anything more than what they are because that is where people get me wrong and don't know who i really am.

so, how do you know me?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

(drugs + alcohol) / saturday X FSU loss = sloppy ry ry

So after a weekend of total debauchery at homecoming, i took a vow of sobriety (from alcohol) in order to cleanse myself of all the ridiculous weekend binge's we have been on since i moved to L.A. despite my most valiant effort, it was thwarted on the sunday night following homecoming in honor of the great Bill Williams 23rd birthday. i got drunk, what can i say? it happens.

This past saturday i was once again halted in my journey to cleansing myself when FSU proceeded to lose violently to NC State. Nathan and I both were in a lot of pain so to speak, and while he numbed it with a potion of beer and cigarettes, i decided to "miss the pain" with a concotion of bowl hits and beer, not to mention a little pizza. This was probably not the best idea, especially when you are trying to get rid of the bad toxins in your body and try to start anew. Well shoot me, I am going to start this weekend.

So i have been reading a lot of Tucker Max.com (http://www.tuckermax.com) lately at work, which has caused me to bust out laughing on numerous occasions soliciting various stares and looks around the office as to what exactly is causing such a riot in my respective cubicle.

In regards to that man, i have only two things to say:

1) He is a man

2) I could tell the same stories, with the same endings, punchlines and all if i didn't have any sense of decency either.

While he is frickin' hilarious, he has no respect for the women he fucks or the people he comes in contact with on an almost daily basis. Now this makes for a great read, but really how does one live a life like this, unless ofcourse it is all complete horseshit?

I know he is a good friend of RP(www.gorillamask.net) who is in turn a friend of mine, and a well respect journalist in the blogger world, but seriously, who hasn't had blowjob follies or anal mishaps? I SURE KNOW I HAVE!

In any case, i suggest reading his blog, it is quite good and actually makes me feel like being more of an asshole than i already am when i get drunk. I have decided to start reading a t-max story before i go out on the town from now on to get a sense of arrogance about me in order to hook up since i havn't done that in quite a while.

That being said, I now welcome any offers on boobies. All are welcome to apply, just email me @ grayrj@jmu.edu.


Until then, your moment of booyah...